The Darkness of Light
by PokerFace312
Summary: Kaworu breaks down after regaining his memories from previous loops, much to the worry of Shinji.


_**A/N: **__For this, I used the idea that Kaworu doesn't regain the memories of the previous loops until he's already been living in the new loop for a while, so please just keep that in mind._

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"Don't make that face," Kaworu said, his voice calm and a soft smile present on his face despite he himself wanting to cry as the boy in the entry plug beside him was. Fourteen years. Fourteen years of planning and it still hadn't worked. It had still failed. He would still die, leaving Shinji alone in an unforgiving world. "We'll meet again, Shinji-kun." Again in a new world. One where Shinji no longer remembered him.

He closed his eyes and grit his teeth, smiling even as he did so. He didn't want Shinji to know how much pain he was feeling. He didn't want to make this worse for Shinji than it had to be. He heard the boy cry out his name, and then came the pain. Ripping, white hot agony as he felt his head being separated from his body. He wanted to scream but had no voice with which to do so.

And then he felt himself jolting upright in a soft bed. His body shook uncontrollably as the memories from his past loops flooded his mind. A hand flew to his neck. His smooth, scarless neck which showed no signs of all the times he had been decapitated.

He had woken up in a new loop.

Gasps wracked his body as tears started to fall tempestuously from his eyes. He tried to keep it in, tried to keep himself in control even though he was alone.

He had put so much hope into the previous loop. He had let himself believe that his plan, with so much time and thought put into it, would actually work. When he had finally met Shinji in that world he had been giddy with the thought of success and, though his words had remained calm and collected, his happiness had shown through in the rise and fall of his piano playing.

But lo and behold, the plan which had been fourteen years in the making had failed in a flurry of confusion and battle, torn apart in less than a half hour.

"Shinji-kun…" The name slipped from his lips as a shudder passed through his body with another sob. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

"Kaworu-kun?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of his own name and he whipped his head around, eyes wide, to see Shinji lying beside him in the bed, confusedly blinking sleep from his eyes. In the sudden onslaught of past lives' memories he had momentarily forgotten the memories from this current life, all of which now returned to him. Shinji had asked to stay the night. Something about a fight with Misato and not wanting to go home.

There was a small but significant difference between this loop and the previous ones. Asuka had been piloting Unit 03 when Bardiel had taken it over and, unlike when the same thing had happened in the previous world, she had been killed by Unit 01. Kaworu had been sent by Seele to pilot Unit 02 in her stead much earlier than in the past. He hadn't yet regained his memories from the previous loops, but even so he found himself drawn to Shinji like a moth to a flame. Broken from Asuka's sudden death at his own forced hand, Shinji had used Kaworu as something of a distraction.

The Kaworu of this world was more subdued than in many of his past lives. There had been no I love yous. No kisses. Despite his own feelings of affection, he had chosen to play the supporting role of Shinji's friend and nothing else. Perhaps the absence of those memories from former cycles were partially the cause.

But now in the darkness of the room, as Kaworu's vermillion eyes met with Shinji's azure ones, he desperately wished for more from the boy he had forgotten was right beside him. He wished that once, just this once, he could have the happiness he himself wished for.

At the sight of Kaworu's tears, Shinji sat up so that he was closer to the white haired boy, barely murmuring a "what's wrong" before Kaworu's arms were wrapping tightly around his stiffening shoulders. The act was out of character for how he was in this world. Kaworu knew that. He knew this would probably unsettle Shinji. But he didn't care, not about any of it. In that moment, he needed Shinji. He needed to know that the boy in front of him was really there, safe and warm and not about to kill him.

"Kaworu-kun…?" Hesitantly, Shinji raised his arms to lightly place his hands on Kaworu's trembling back.

"I'm sorry…" he gasped out as another sob tore through his throat. "I tried so hard to bring you happiness… Why did it have to turn out like this?"

The boy in his arms was silent for a moment, turning the words over in his mind as he tried to make sense of them. "...You do make me happy, Kaworu-kun."

"Perhaps now, but I'm only going to cause you more pain in the future."

"Huh?"

Kaworu pulled away slowly, not wiping the tears from his downturned eyes. "I'm going to shatter that fragile heart I love so much. I wish I didn't have to, but I have no choice in the matter."

"I don't understand what you're saying, Kaworu-kun…"

"No, of course you don't…" He smiled sadly, flicking his eyes back up to Shinji's as one hand raised almost unconsciously to stroke his own neck. To his surprise, Shinji reached forward to where the hand was, slipping his fingers into the gaps between Kaworu's so that his fingertips brushed the skin which had been torn apart so many times. The touch prickled softly and Kaworu couldn't help himself from swallowing. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Shinji's, and in the same movement he lowered himself so that he was lying back down on his side again. "I'm sorry to worry you, Shinji-kun. We should go back to sleep. We have synch tests tomorrow, after all."

Despite having his eyes closed, Kaworu could feel the boy's gaze on him for a few moments before he heard a quiet hum of agreement and another body settled beside his. He peeled his eyes open slightly to see brilliant blue peering back at him. He extended a hand outward to lightly brush Shinji's cheek with the back of his fingers, allowing the hand to then rest between the two of them. He felt another hand join his just before he floated off to dreams of worlds with no chokers or spears; only pianos, stars, and two boys who had found their happiness in one another.


End file.
